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Entry bubble Changing your Last Name

By: Colleen | August 12, 2009 | Category: Home and Family

I have two weddings this weekend. One is in Boston on Friday night and the other is back in DC on Saturday afternoon. weddingThanks to the magic of aviation, I will be at both.

What I find interesting about these weddings is the brides' options on changing their last names. My friend getting married in Boston has an absolutely beautiful name. Her middle name is her mother's maiden name and the way it all flows together is very regal sounding. She told me she's not changing hers - at least not right away. Her husband to-be has a very generic last name and she feels like she's losing something that makes her unique should she forego her current surname. She says she may reconsider if or when they have children.

The other bride is marrying my best friend. To say he has a "special" last name is an understatement. Let's just say his professional emails often get stuck in spam filters because many companies deem it to be "inappropriate content." Because he is stubborn, and self righteous, and well, him...he says he would never marry a woman who didn't take his last name because if she didn't, she must not really love him. His bride sure is one lucky lady.

If I was to marry tomorrow (I assure you, NOT the case), my first inclination is to say that I wouldn't change my last name. It really has very little to do with women's liberation or anything like that, and more more to do with practicality.

  • I enjoy paperwork (electronic or otherwise) about as much as I do the grocery store. If you don't know me, I haven't been food shopping in weeks.  The amount of forms to be filled out and effort that goes into having it changed just seems like an epic hassle.
  • All my degrees and awards feature my current last name. For some reason it bothers me that they would seem out of date.
  • Everything I've had published over my career is listed under my last name. In these days of Search Engine Optimization (SEO), it would be a lot harder for someone to log into Google and pull up all my past work.
  • Much of my job is making personal contacts with people and building lasting relationships. I feel like I would be making things more complicated for myself professionally it I were to change my name.

Many women feel that not changing their name would make things difficult when they have children. My friend's mother held  a very prominent position in a company where her husband was also employed. For professional reasons, she never changed her name. My friend said out of assumption people would often call her mother by her father's last name and it never bothered her. She would respond to being called either name.

A new poll reports that 70% of Americans think that it is beneficial for women to take her husband's last name when they marry.

What do you think about name-changing? Do you regret changing it, or wish you would have? To the men out there- would it bother you if your wife kept her own name?

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Comments (15):

blue comment bubble Posted by the new guy on August 12, 2009 at 07:40 AM EDT

I'm planning to get married in October to a young lady (late 20's) who was widowed with 2 children. When we first started discussing marriage we had to take into account how name changes would affect the kids too. Keeping prior-married name is a bit touchy. Had it been a divorce situation rather than death, i do not think i would have even been open to discussing it, maiden name, maybe. But, since she was widowed, i conceded that she could keep her priormarried name until the kids were out of the house and anyone who wanted to have a problem with that would have to take it up with me. Trust me, that is not a small consideration :)

anyway, after some deliberation, she has decided she will take my name, and we'll just have to do the right paperwork to make sure the schools and doctors and everyone knows why our kids have different last names. in an era of blended families i'm sure this isn't the issue it used to be, but for both of us it's new. Tehn again, if she had kept her prior name, picking up my kids (prior marriage) at school would have still been the same issue.

There is no shame in taking a man's name when you marry him. Nor should men be offended if their future spouse has a reasonable grounds to keep her maiden name. it is not a sock to theri masculinity. Maybe the man should consider showing his wife how much he loves her by taking her name instead. In the end, it's love really shown by how much will sacrifice for your beloved?

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blue comment bubble Posted by zombie fish on August 12, 2009 at 10:26 AM EDT

I took my husband's last name when I married a year ago, and its a very long, Polish surname with an incredibly awkward spelling. It's a bit amusing to watch other struggle with it, my own mother walked around repeating it constantly before the wedding (it took her weeks to finally get it right.)

We started a new family by entering marriage, I gained a whole new extended family of in-laws, and I liked the idea of changing my name and becoming a new person as well as a wife.

Strangers ask me constantly if I'm Polish now, I point to the ring and reply "Only recently." I'm proud of my weird name, even though I'm still finding odds and ends that need to be switched over, like my zoo membership.

Oh and ladies, check your credit reports, I found out that one of the credit reporting companies had me listed with my maiden name as the current name and married name as the former. Oops.

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blue comment bubble Posted by Nicki on August 12, 2009 at 10:35 AM EDT

I would have loved to take my husband's last name when we married. It was always something I pictured doing, and so when we started to discuss the topic after our engagement, imagine my surprise when he said he didn't want to keep his name! His last name was notorious for being misspelled by everyone (think of how hard Michelle Pfeiffer had it before becoming famous, and you've got the idea), and while I had similar problems, mine was at least shorter.

After discussing and trying to think of a different last name to take, we decided that he would actually take my name. It's actually fun, now, because no one seems to have ever met a man with a maiden name before!

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blue comment bubble Posted by dena on August 12, 2009 at 10:49 AM EDT

My father, who I guess decided that his Polish name should be americanized, changed it to something that caused me grief for years. So I leaped at the chance to take my then future hubby's last name. HIS father changed it from a long Polish name to something easily spelled, and much less obnoxious.

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blue comment bubble Posted by taking the last name was a blessing on August 12, 2009 at 11:39 AM EDT

my husbands last name is Christ so it was a blessing to change it .

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blue comment bubble Posted by Ms Maiden Name on August 13, 2009 at 03:18 AM EDT

I kept my maiden name when I married. My husband does not mind although I do think it bothers him a bit. His mother was furious I didn't take it. She still writes letters "Mr and Mrs so and so". I don't mind. I don't mind it even when people say it in social settings. When I call the cable company I usually say Mrs so and so. But to legally change it? Why would I? I lived with this name for 30 some years. Its my name. Its me. It reminds me of my past and my family and I like the name. I've always wondered why the younger generation is so willing to let go of their names. For love? For tradition? Because his name sounds better than mine? Or maybe its because his last name has too many syllables. (don't tell him)

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blue comment bubble Posted by Andy on August 13, 2009 at 01:07 PM EDT

I have to say I still do not understand the reason for changing your name.
I moved to the U.S. about 8 years ago, and now I work at a bank. I see everyday lots people who is really upset about credit reports with wrong information on them just because they have married and changed their names several times.
It is always a mess when they need a credit for something because always their credit reports are showing up they are delinquent with any account, even if they are not.
I think, changing your name has nothing to do with love, compromise or whatever. If you love someone and want to marry him, guess the last thing you need to think about is what your new name is going to be.
Perhaps it is just a culture issue, or the fact that I was not born or raised in the U.S. but i just dont see the point. Things are much easier if you keep your name. Anyway I do not judge anyone. it's up to you to change it if you want it.
And from my point of view, I would never ever change my lastname. I don't know but I think it's actually part of me. Like something that makes me be who I am. I know that sounds kind of cheesy, haha but that's the way I feel.

Thanks!
P.S. I always read the blog!
You guys always give us some pretty good tips and ideas!

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blue comment bubble Posted by Jen on August 13, 2009 at 02:14 PM EDT

I considered myself a feminist at age 10 and knew that I would never change my name when (and if!) I got married. We live in a very progressive city and it is more unusual for women to change their names after getting married than not change it. When our daughter was born last year, we put my husband's name on the birth certificate however. We didn't discuss it at length, but just chose to go with tradition on that one.

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blue comment bubble Posted by Lauren on August 13, 2009 at 03:01 PM EDT

You know, your friend who is keeping her maiden name is keeping it for exactly the same reason I'm going to keep mine. I'm not married yet, but we've been discussing it. I have a unique last name that just flows with my first name perfectly. His last name is pretty common and just not that interesting.
I think that men who expect women to change their names are pretty selfish. The whole idea of changing your name is back from the days when women were property. I know of very few men who would be willing to change their names--just the thought of it makes some men I've talked to bristle.

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blue comment bubble Posted by Gem on August 14, 2009 at 05:32 PM EDT

Whatever you do, don't hyphenate :) I wanted to keep my last name because it flows well with my first name. My husband's mother has a hyphenated name and it seemed like a perfect compromise. Except it's been a pain. It's amazing the number of online forms (such as airline reservations) that don't allow for hyphenation. If I were going to do it over again, I'd just keep my last name and not hyphenate.

That being said, I answer to any reasonable variation of name people want to call me. Ironically, it's my husband who gets more upset and takes the time to correct people.

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blue comment bubble Posted by Hwy71So on August 17, 2009 at 07:15 AM EDT

I see it as failing to commit. Today, folks see marriage as a convenience rather than a committment. A merger rather than a union.

What a shame.

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blue comment bubble Posted by Katie on August 17, 2009 at 03:08 PM EDT

I took the name of my first husband. It was Germanic, and somewhat famous. When people asked me if I was German or related to the famous people with the same family name it was interesting for conversation, but over time I felt like I'd lost a piece of my identity. My maiden name was not easily "identifiable" so it was also a good conversation piece - and something that was part of who I am. When we divorced, I went back to my maiden name, and after all the forms and IDs that were changed I vowed never to go through the hassle again.

I am now happily remarried and am not at all offended if someone addresses me with my husband's surname (though it's usually a dead giveaway for me to know when it's a telemarketer!) Sometimes people address him with MY surname which is also fun! Socially, it doesn't bother me one way or the other. But for all the legal documents, financial accounts (credit reporting and scores are important too), airline mileage programs, grocery discount cards, etc. it just wasn't worth the hassle to change.

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blue comment bubble Posted by Christopher on August 24, 2009 at 01:55 PM EDT

Two short stories:

When I was a young adult, I remember my mother commenting to me that she was sad she had changed her name when she married. I think she mentioned this on the day she had official lived with my father's name longer than her own maiden name. This really has stuck with me, especially as it comes from a woman who is still very much in love with my father. It showed me that my mother was, and will always be, her own person.

I have two acquaintances from college, and upon marriage, they merged their names into a new one. I think the original names were McKenzie and Boat. They are now known as the McBoats. An interesting issue with their situation actually has to do with the man. He has had a hell of a time working with local, state and federal governments to get them to recognize the change he and his wife want reflected.

Overall, I am a little surprised that these issues still raise so many thorns for men and women. To me, they seem to be a part of the nearly-defunct culture wars, and more than a little anachronistic. Why not just work out one's own preference personally with one's partner and accept that others will do the same?

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blue comment bubble Posted by moving to: first my_last his_last on August 24, 2009 at 03:36 PM EDT

I changed mine and almost instantly regretted it. After living with it for so many years with all the other changes in my life, I felt I really lost a part of ME. I'm slowly trying to figure out if I want to change it legally to a format like hillary rodham clinton ... it's a big pain so i might just keep the super legal part as it is and just be known commonly as what I wish it was. I have a friend who took parts of her maiden name and parts of his last name and made herself a whole new last name. I'm not sure what her children are doing but I wish I could have done something like that.

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blue comment bubble Posted by Driver on August 25, 2009 at 12:54 AM EDT

32 years ago last week I married and halfheartedly took my husband's last name. A couple of months down the road I was given a name tag with my nickname as the first name and my new last name, I didn't even recognize it as mine! The final straw was when I had a problem with my knee. The doctor was given my file, but it contained the chest X-ray of a much older woman. Different women, same name, wrong part of the anatomy.
I ended up going back to my maiden name within six months. I didn't know who I was. I am very happy with my decision and have no regrets about keeping my maiden name.
For the record, my husband could care less what name I used, and I like my name and his last name. Also, we agreed before marrying that we wanted no children, so we avoided the whole, "But, what will you name the children?" question.
It is a great tip off when I answer the phone and they call me by my husband's name. It has been a pain to explain it to my medical insurance company. They are so backward.

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